Annyeong!

So, today when I got home from a meeting, I totally had nothing to do! So I started drawing a Yunho drawing... and a TVXQ drawing... and a Yunjae drawing... and I am soon finished with the Yunjae one xD

So Yunho's birthday entry should be in check.. I will NOT forget it like last year, I can still not even wrap my head around how the fuck I forgot his birthday! I was happily celebrating Jaejoong's birthday the 4th, and then suddenly it was the 7th and I am just like what the fuck?! Did I JUST FUCKING DROP JUNG DIVA'S BIRTHDAY?! (YH: Woops you did bitchtard)

But this was not what I was going to blog about..

Well.. you see.. Jaejoong and Junsu are leaving for the military soon, I've been busy and haven't really had time to actually grasp it.. but today i did, and it hurts! It fucking hurts.

I don't know how, where and when I became so fucking addicted to TVXQ! It just happened! And just the thought of them leaving leaves me with this annoying feeling in my chest, and I can't shake it off! I am supposed to be worrying about school and my future, but I find myself pushing it to the side for TVXQ. I know it's wrong, I am just in it so fucking deep, I won't ever find the fucking way out! I really want to be a fan of TVXQ, for gods sake, it's what I live for! I live for the day when the gods will return and Cassiopeia will unite again! I live for the day, stans will back down, and leave us alone. Stans don't understand what we've been through, it really shocking how they can't seem to see the past. They must be blind to what has existed, and what a great group Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong, Shim Changmin, Park Yoochun and Kim Junsu were together, and they have really missed out on a lot of great times.

I don't understand how a stan, so called fan, can neglect the past of their idol. They try all ways to look past TVfXQ, and look only at what has existed.

Let me take an example from my own life, maybe a stan reads this and realizes what she is going to miss out on.

I was born into a family of 5, we were a happy family. My father, mother, sister, brother and little me. We went on vacation together, has the time of our lives. I was such a happy little girl, always looking forward to the next day. My father is a fisherman, which means he is away about 6-9 months of a year, but when he came home, and I could just run into his arms and hug him, cry, laugh and smell him again. I was so happy, I can't remember a time I have been happier. And just when he came home, he had to leave again, it was heart shattering, my mom and my siblings, we were devastated.

Then April 2nd 2008 the phone buzzed, I told my mom I was going to go out with my friends, she didn't answer. 2 hours later, my sister came a got me, she told me my mother had something to tell me, and I followed her home. I was sat in a chair, my mom on her knees in front of me, she's crying, she's weak. I can never forget her face, it's stuck in my brain. She tells me "There is something I have to tell you sweetie... Your father... your father has left us. He won't be coming home to us anymore" and I told her "Stop Joking, I know it was April fools day yesterday, this is not funny" and I went to my room, I let reality sink in, and I cried for hours... and hours.. my mom came up, wrapped her arms around me, and she cried with me.. my sister also, and my brother.. he just didn't show any emotion, he just said "Ok" and wen't down to his room, he didn't want to cry in front of us.

I guess it took about two weeks, my dad came home to talk with my mom. He told her, he had been cheating on her for a little over 2 months. I didn't know my dad was home, so I was outside again, getting my mind of things, playing with my friends.

My sister came, took my hand and dragged me home, telling me to hurry up, because dad was home.

When I saw him, I hit him, countless times, I cried, I yelled and I threw a complete tantrum, I was 12, and I had never been this angry before.

So you see, my past isn't light, it was a hard time, for two years I had to deal with a depressed family, and a father whom I spoke to every second month.

BUT! My point is, if I was ignorant, I would ignore my past, and look only at what I have now. But I don't. Because I know what happened, I know what my dad did to my mom. Which has left me to despise people who cheat, I can't stand them! Let alone be friends with them, they're right out if I know they cheat, it the fucking worst thing to do! I saw my mom, I saw her reaction, I saw her fall into depression, and how long it took for her to move away from her past. I knew she was living, comparing every man she met to my dad, trying to find a man, who didn't look, talk, speak or have ANY kind of personality traits like my mom. Which ended up with her being with a asshole. Yeah, he's bad.. But he's kind, but I can't move past his bad sides, because he's a douche.

I hope you see what I mean, I would never want to forget this! Because it's a part of me! I want it to be there, so I can learn from it. And I want to go back, to the time before it happened, when my family was living in paradise.

But I guess this was what made me a kpop fan, being depressed, having absolutely no confidence in myself. I found myself in TVXQ, they were the people whom I wanted to be. And whom I strive to become until this day. Sometimes, I find myself looking in the mirror, thinking. "Why can't I look like Jaejoong?" I bought circle lenses, to make my eyes bigger, did my makeup like Jaejoong, and until this day I still do it. Every time I go to the hair dresses, I ask he "Can you cut it like this?" showing her a picture of one of the member from TVXQ. I am obsessed with living in a fantasy world, I guess.

I think TVXQ lives like this too, actually. I think Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun think about the split. I don't think they regret THE REBELLION, but I think they regret never thinking about the consequences. I think that, in reality, they wanted to go together, but Yunho has put his life in everything, since the beginning. And I think he is a man, who goes for his dreams, even if he has to suffer. Such a man, is hard to find. And I think Changmin, I think he didn't want Yunho to be alone. It'a well known fact that Changmin ALWAYS had a soft stop for Yunho, and this may be what made Changmin stay behind.

I think JYJ were far too deep in it to leave, their minds were set on leaving. They just wanted to forget, having to suffer was not what they wrote themselves into when they were stupid teenagers. Personally, I think it's worse for them today. They're living under pure pressure, having sasaengs around them everywhere they go. They can't promote their music, which makes them lose their spirit, and their dreams seems to have gone too far away, and they seem to have forgotten the dream, the dream the five of them shared.

But I guess, when they sang W, they got a new dream. To reunite with TVXQ, to be TVXQ again. To meet Yunho and Changmin, and we all know it. We all know how Jaejoong has been trying to reach them through both twitter and phone, maybe he finally got to speak to Yunho, like he wanted. And that's maybe why we don't really hear anything about it anymore. I am hoping, that whatever differences they had with each other after the split has been sorted out.

The five of them still look sad, but you can see that all of them are wearing a glimpse of hope in their eyes.

" Under the same sky, dreaming the same dream



Am I sadistic, If I hope that what happened to TVXQ will happen to another group? To one of the fandoms that always tells Cassiopeia to "Just get over it"? I want them to experience the pain of losing your most important treasure.

When TVXQ split, I felt like my dad was leaving again, just this time it was far worse. Because I lost my support system, and I fell into depression again, and I couldn't do anything else than cry, because they were gone, never coming back, and I was left with nothing, just memories.

Can you imagine the feeling I has in my chest when I watched Jaejoong say "To the two of you, I love you more than anything"?! I felt like my heart was going to burst. I knew something were wrong since the moment they came on stage. They looked dead, they looked worse than I had ever seen a person before. And the fact that they were there, when SM had banned their artists from coming, the tiny little face that the three of them were fucking there, just had me shivering. The storm was coming and Cassiopeia knew it. And it 2010, they dropped the bomb. My fucking boys were gone. And I was never getting them back.

Then this smart motherfucker, Park Yoochun comes up with this awesome quote, Always keep the faith. Nobody honestly knows what he really meant by those words, but we all have just decided that this, this is what Cassiopeia is going to live for, and stand for.

I will never hesitate to write Always keep the faith, quite the opposite, because I am actually going to tattoo it on my body so that I will forever remember to be a fan of TVXQ.

I will never ever lose the faith that one day, one day my five boys, now men, will come back, and sing and be happy again. I want them to sing stand by you, and also W together. I can't even imagine them singing W together, it's just a dream of mine. It's such a perfect song, one of my favorites. It has so much feeling and meaning. It's just a irreplaceable piece or art, which I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I will always, proudly say this sentence, because I believe, that a future for those who believe, will come.

Always keep the faith that one day, those five imperfect, yet perfect, people will stand together on stage, and sing for Cassiopeia.r

Labels: Always Keep The Faith, Cassiopeia, Changmin, DBSK, depressed, Five, Forever, Forever with TVXQ, Jaejoong, Junsu, JYJ, Never forget, rant, Sm entertainment, Sment, split, TVXQ, W, Yoochun, Yunho

Annyeong!
I'm Linda Shim, 27 years old from Norway. I blog occasionally about Kpop and other stuff that interests me.
Always keep the faith!~ ♥

Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun ♥